What is that thing?

     That’s what I kept hearing as I marched home from the store, carrying my stick of soap.

     I mean, look at this thing! It’s huge! Not only that, but it’s bizarre – what kind of absurd marketing person thinks this is a good use of shelf space?

     I picked it up on a whim while heading to the checkout at my local drugstore, it being the last one left over from the holiday season, a relic of ginormous proportions. I thought to myself, I could always use soap, and the shock factor alone should make for an interesting review. I was so, so wrong.

     This is my (tortured) review for Maple Street Market’s 10 pack of Fruit Shop body washes, which retails for $9.99 (on clearance for $1, which is still too much for what it is).

Maple Street Market Fruit Shop Body Washes pack

Maple Street Market Fruit Shop Body Washes pack

     While you admire the beautiful photo, let’s discuss why in the world this thing even exists. My best guess is that it’s a stocking stuffer item, something you can divide up between many recipients as there are so many ‘mini’ bottles in the pack. But, I ask you this: who stuffs people’s festive socks with tiny bottles of body wash? That’s.. weird.

     Now here’s another topic to discuss: I can’t find Maple Street Market online (meaning I can’t directly complain to them about any of this, meaning I’m taking my case public). What I can find is other people’s reviews for Smith Street Market products, which look identical to these – inconsistent branding much?

     Each of the ten 45mL plastic bottles has a black plastic cap and is safety-sealed. I’m not sure if this was done on purpose, but they look like tiny versions of Philosophy’s products, which I’m not okay with. It’s interesting to note that each of these bottles has a little blurb printed onto it, a sort of story that has nothing to do with anything but might be a conversation piece if you’re into showering with somebody else. I’m not sure what sorts of copyright I’d be violating by doing this, but I want to share with you the blurb on Plum‘s bottle:

Memory #23: I think I have found the perfect one. Round, deeply coloured, slightly squishy. Ready, aim, FIRE! It releases in slow motion as it archs out of the home made sling shot and hits smack in the centre. Splat. I can smell the ripe succulent juices from here behind the bush. BULLS EYE.

Ummmm….. what? Why are you throwing plums? Is that a normal thing where you’re from? And if this is memory #23, then why does the pack only have five individual stories? There are so many unanswered questions about this soap..

     The scents are meant to be basic, five individual scents in total, two of each in the pack. Plum, Pomegranate, Pineapple, Kiwi Fruit, and Cherry. Plum is a weird scent, purple in fragrance like its colour, like a too-ripe fruit that’s beginning to rot. Pomegranate is an unremarkable, unimportant, indistinguishable fruit scent that has nothing to do with the lovely fruit of the pome. Pineapple is my favourite of the bunch, it’s an ultra-juicy, hyper-realistic fruity pineapple that makes me wish for two things: a bigger bottle and a better formula, because this scent is killer. Kiwi Fruit is a fabulous fresh lime fragrance, but alas it has nothing to do with kiwi. And finally, cherry – an unidentified smelly object. Do not like.

     Another problem I had with these body washes was that they are pour-bottles, meaning there is no pump or way to control the flow of product. To me this is wasteful, annoying, and shows a lack of consideration for the paying consumer. However, considering just how bloody awful the damn formula is, the faster I can get rid of it, the better. The viscosity of the product is too thick, there is no lather whatsoever, the glitter washes off to who-knows-where before it even reaches the skin, the scent lasts about 1.2 seconds, and I feel like I have to take a second shower with some normal body wash after using this.

     Verdict: I’m beyond disappointed but not surprised. Maple Street Market products are priced relatively high normally, anywhere from $10-$20, so I highly encourage you to skip past them and get something ten times better for half the price. Check out Bath & Body Works if you’re out of ideas.


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